Wow. As I type this, the clock has already struck 0030hrs, 1/1/2018. Man, it's fucking 2018 already! What have I been doing with my life? What have I achieved? What have I learned? I can't even remember when was the last time I posted anything here nor can I remember what I posted. 

So, what had been going on throughout last year? 2017? Fuck I don't even know where or how to start. I had some undoubtedly amazing memories in 2017. Yep, no doubt. But of course, besides those great memories, there were some painful ones. I saw some people on Twitter tweeting about the good things they've achieved in 2017. I was about to do the same but then I was having a trouble recalling what I have achieved. It's like the painful ones overshadow the great ones. Haha I think I'm not gonna go into details about my 2017. Maybe I'll do that in another post, if there's one. Haha. For tonight, I'm just going to- rant. 

It's been what? Like 40 minutes into 2018 and I'm already being a ball sadness. Why can't I be happy? And why am I sad? I don't even know for fuck's sake. Oh it may be due to the fact that I'm still in an awkward situation with a friend, or the fact that I am the isolated person in a three people group. Fuck that's some petty shit I have there. I don't know, mate. I honestly don't know. 

I'm fighting the urge to run away from home. I feel so distant from my friends. Close friends to be exact. Like so- damn- distant. People see the three of us stuck with each other. Like we are always together when the truth is, I feel so isolated. I feel like i'm an intruder, an intruder in a very perfect friendship. Fuck I'm being so petty right now. But I just have to let this out. Obviously, I cant tell them.It'll just make things awkward. 

I wish I could go out tonight. I wanted to see the New Year's Eve fireworks. But I dont have a car. I did ask my close friends and my housemates but nah they werent up for it. Haha. So yep, here I am, ranting. 

I do realise how petty I am though and I really wish I could fix that in 2018. But smh it's not likely to happen, isnt it? I really wish I could be heartless and not give a fuck on what people think of me. I also wish I could stop being so emotional and overly sensitive. I also wanna stop making a fool out of myself. I just wish- I could love myself more. That's like the most important thing. But I always find a reason to hate myself. I wanna stop being sad because of trivial matters. I wanna stop being envious of people and start being happy for them instead. I should really learn to be grateful. Oh and I should learn to forgive even when the person who wronged me did not apologise. And learn to apologise even if it's not my fault. 

I highkey think my 2018 is gonna be the same depressive and chaotic year. But I hope, despite whatever is going to happen throughout this year, I'll learn and grow. I hope I'll be able to improve myself. I wanna get rid of any ill feelings or thoughts I have for anyone. Fuck, I wanna get rid of everything that makes me unhappy. I just- wanna be happy. 

Sighs.