I have so many things to say. I have so many questions. But I cant seem to utter any words out. I hate myself for being like this. Weak. I'm so miserable. I was so used to having someone to vent out my frustrations to. Now that the person is gone, I dont know how to do it anymore. I dont know how to let people in. I dont know how to open up. I dont know how to cope with my frustrations anymore. I dont know to whom I can turn to. 

I'm so sorry to my friends who are still by my side. I am so sorry my words here are making you guys look like you guys havent done anything to help me. But I dont mean it that way. It's just me. I'm too broken, I don't know how to let anything out anymore. I'd rather keep everything inside and bear the pain alone. It's not that I don't trust you guys. I'm just- I dont know....

Oh God this is so suffocating. This is the only way to help me calm down a bit. Write. I know it's probably more helpful if I write this out to a person, a responsive human being. But I cant. I can't do that anymore. 

At times like this, I just hope I still have- him. It is because of him I stopped trusting people. It is because of him my life turned upside down. It is because of him I don't know how to let people in. It is because of him I stopped opening up. It is because of him I don't know if anybody is going to be with me through it all or stop halfway through the journey. It was because of him I'm so afraid to love again. But I can't deny the fact that he was once a very important person for me. A person who holds all of my secrets. A person I was so dependent on. A person I never would've expected to leave me without any word. 

What am I supposed to do? Should I start opening up again? But, even if I want to, I can't. I'm too scared of the outcome. I'm too scared if the future I'm forgetting to live in the present. I know whatever I do, whatever decision I make in the present is going to determine the future. But, ugh. I'm screwed. 

It's too painful. It's been a while since the last time I feel this kind of pain. The pain of missing someone. The pain of not knowing what to do. The pain of overthinking. The pain of wondering if I'm worth it or not. 

To anyone's reading, I'm sorry. You should've stopped. These are all craps. Sigh.